Tobias's Perch

[Blaise Zebrataur]

A red-tail hawk flew into the room and lands on a bedpost as it folded its wings in.As you look at him,you can see his full hawk body.The hawk softly looked at you,raiseing in the air abit so you could see its body abit better.The hawk had a reddish like tail of long straight feathers.The rest of its back was motted dark brown.It had big shoulders that looked kind of hunched,like a football lineman ready for the snap.Its head was streamlined.Its eyes were brown and goldish and fierce as it looked over its deadly weapon of its beak looking at you.<Hello everyone and welcome to my world.> He says calmy and softly inside everyone's heads.

<As you all know I am Oreius on this wonderful wonderful forum and I've decided to talk about my life but it will be from my favorite eyes(Tobias from Animorphs).>He says looking around proudly.

<Well,my real name is Mitchell,I live in Georgia with my mom and dad.I am currently 18 and sort of got the Tobias look.I have short brown/blackish hawk like the real Tobias and my attidue is really like him as well,very shy but not afraid to speak up when I need too.>ruffles his feathers some as he"sits"there on the bed post.<I have one dog named Shaker,she is part-chow and part lab and she is currently 42,turning 49 on Christmas EVE.>

<I am a HUGE Animorphs fan of course(rolls eyes knowing everyone KNEW that.) and I like NASCAR,Wrestling,Playing Video Games and Role Playing as much as I can.>in his hawk eyes,he is smilely brightly.<I also collect wrestling figures which I will post very soon on this forum as soon as I have time.>(Which I have posted already in the Happenings part of this forum,so go check it out.)

Well I think that is about it......oh and btw please tell me how I did on Tobias's desc,I personally think its perfect but I am gald to hear what everyone's comments on it are.


(PS: I am NOT new,but I didn't know where else to put this and I will try to update you guys on the going ons of my life as soon and possibely daily.)

[Epesi]

Well, the description itself was okay, but it was brought down by some writing mistakes. First, you kept switching back and forth between past and present tense. In the first sentence you started in the past tense with "A red-tail hawk flew into the room", then switched to the present with "and lands on a bedpost", and then back to past again "as it folded its wings in". It's important to be consistent about which tense you're writing in; pick one, past or present, and stick to it. In this sort of writing I would use the present tense, but that is a matter of personal preference.

The other thing that honestly makes all of your posts a little difficult to read is that you're running words together. You need to have a space after all punctuation before you start a new word, just as you have spaces between the words themselves. After each period or comma, press the spacebar before you type any letters. Without the proper spacing, the words run together and sort of turn to mush.

[Blaise Zebrataur]

Yeah I guess so,but I'm not big on spelling mistakes and all that.I hated it when I went to school and I still do now.

[Epesi]

That is exactly the response I get when I try to teach my cousins anything. -.- They teach you this stuff in school for a reason, and it's utterly depressing how many people have no respect for the rules of the language.

Anyway, you asked.

[Blaise Zebrataur]

Well yeah and I normally don't ake the time to correct everything cause I normally rp and if I make a mistake it can be told by what is there really,I mean so what if there is a misplaced lettering or punctuation. Sue me for it.

And as far as the length of the desc,once I get on a roll,I can't control myself and I keep going and going I just have so much fun rping I don't care(nor do my mates.) alot about the spelling and stuff.

But thanks buddy for the advice and that.